Life.
Hectic. Complicated. Boring. And typically simply plain absurd or unbelievable.
One factor that all the time helps me on days like that or in such conditions is an efficient chuckle (or three of them).
So in at the moment’s publish I’d prefer to share 175 of essentially the most relatable and hilarious quotes about life.
I hope these witty and humorous sayings will assist you to launch some stress about your day or week.
Assist you discover a new and extra constructive and light-weight perspective when issues have gone into the unhealthy or absurd zone.
And possibly assist you to assist out a pal or a colleague who’s having a tough day and desires a superb chuckle and a few constructive vitality.
Hilarious Quotes About Life
“I intend to dwell eternally. Thus far, so good.”
– Steven Wright
“If at first you don’t succeed, attempt, attempt once more. Then stop. There’s no level in being a rattling idiot about it.”
– W. C. Fields
“You recognize you’ve reached center age while you’re cautioned to decelerate by your physician, as a substitute of by the police.”
– Joan Rivers
“By no means doubt the braveness of the French. They have been those who found that snails are edible.”
– Doug Larson
“Once I die, I wish to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all of the passengers in his automotive.”
– Will Rogers
“Don’t take life too significantly. You’ll by no means get out of it alive.”
– Elbert Hubbard
“Actuality continues to break my life.”
– Invoice Watterson
“Once I hear anyone sigh, ‘Life is tough,’ I’m all the time tempted to ask, ‘In comparison with what?’”
– Sydney J. Harris
“I’ve a brand new philosophy. I’m solely going to dread someday at a time.”
– Charles M. Schulz
“I’m sick of following my goals, man. I’m simply going to ask the place they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
– Mitch Hedberg
“Typically I’m so drained, I look down at what I’m sporting, and if it’s comfy sufficient to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m wanting down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night time.”
– Rebecca Romijn
“I appear like an informal, laid-back man, however it’s like a circus in my head.”
– Steven Wright
“I’m killing time whereas I wait for all times to bathe me with which means and happiness.”
– Invoice Watterson
“By no means observe anybody else’s path. Except you’re within the woods and also you’re misplaced and also you see a path. Then by all means observe that path.”
– Ellen DeGeneres
“Life is nice. Dying is peaceable. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.”
– Isaac Asimov
“The one factor worse than being talked about shouldn’t be being talked about.”
– Oscar Wilde
“Life could be tragic if it weren’t humorous.”
– Stephen Hawking
“The surest signal that clever life exists elsewhere within the universe is that it has by no means tried to contact us.”
– Invoice Watterson
“When life offers you lemons, squirt somebody within the eye.”
– Cathy Guisewite
“Life is what occurs to us whereas we’re making different plans.”
– Allen Saunders
“Life is loads like jazz… it’s greatest while you improvise.”
– George Gershwin
“You recognize, some folks say life is brief and that you would get hit by a bus at any second and that you need to dwell every day prefer it’s your final. Bullshit. Life is lengthy. You’re in all probability not gonna get hit by a bus. And also you’re gonna should dwell with the alternatives you make for the subsequent fifty years.”
– Chris Rock
“Typically I want I had a horrible childhood, in order that no less than I’d have an excuse.”
– Jimmy Fallon
“I noticed a examine that mentioned talking in entrance of a crowd is taken into account the primary worry of the typical individual. Quantity two was demise. This implies to the typical individual, if you need to be at a funeral, you’d somewhat be within the casket than doing the eulogy.”
– Jerry Seinfeld
Hilarious Quotes and Sayings About Work and Motivation
“Folks say nothing is unattainable, however I do nothing day-after-day.”
– A. A. Milne
“Arduous work by no means killed anyone, however why take an opportunity?”
– Edgar Bergen
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to make use of the steps, one step at a time.”
– Joe Girard
“By no means delay until tomorrow what you are able to do the day after tomorrow simply as properly.”
– Mark Twain
“Folks usually say that motivation doesn’t final. Effectively, neither does bathing – that’s why we suggest it each day.”
– Zig Ziglar
“No matter ladies do, they need to do twice in addition to males to be thought half pretty much as good. Fortunately, this isn’t tough.”
– Charlotte Whitton
“Most individuals work simply arduous sufficient to not get fired and receives a commission simply sufficient cash to not stop.”
– George Carlin
“I all the time arrive late on the workplace, however I make up for it by leaving early.”
– Charles Lamb
“The easiest way to understand your job is to think about your self with out one.”
– Oscar Wilde
“All of the issues I love to do are both immoral, unlawful, or fattening.”
– Alexander Woollcott
“I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and take a look at it for hours.”
– Jerome Ok. Jerome
“No man goes earlier than his time – except the boss leaves early.”
– Groucho Marx
“The distinction between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”
– Albert Einstein
“Essentially the most ineffective employees are systematically moved to the place the place they will do the least harm: administration.”
– Scott Adams
“The difficulty with having an open thoughts, in fact, is that individuals will insist on coming alongside and attempting to place issues in it.”
– Terry Pratchett
“Alternative is missed by most individuals as a result of it’s wearing overalls and appears like work.”
– Thomas A. Edison
“I don’t need any yes-men round me. I need everyone to inform me the reality even when it prices them their job.”
– Samuel Goldwyn
“I hate housekeeping. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and 6 months later you need to begin once more.”
– Joan Rivers
“Data is like underwear. It’s helpful to have it, however not needed to indicate it off.”
– Invoice Murray
“I discover tv very educating. Each time anyone activates the set, I am going into the opposite room and browse a ebook.”
– Groucho Marx
“Training is what stays after one has forgotten what one has discovered in class.”
– Albert Einstein
Hilarious Quotes About Growing old and Getting Outdated
“As you grow old, three issues occur. The primary is your reminiscence goes, and I can’t bear in mind the opposite two.”
– Sir Norman Knowledge
“You recognize you’re getting outdated when the candles value greater than the cake.”
– Bob Hope
“Life begins at 40 – however so do fallen arches, rheumatism, defective eyesight, and the tendency to inform a narrative to the identical individual, three or 4 occasions.”
– Helen Rowland
“The older you get, the higher you get. Except you’re a banana.”
– Betty White
“I’m at a spot in my life when errands are beginning to depend as going out.”
– Unknown
“You recognize you’re getting outdated while you stoop to tie your shoelaces and surprise what else you would do whilst you’re down there.”
– George Burns
“Age is one thing that doesn’t matter except you’re a cheese.”
– Luis Bunuel
“Fb simply appears like a drag, in my day seeing photos of peoples holidays was thought-about a punishment.”
– Betty White
“A stockbroker urged me to purchase a inventory that may triple its worth yearly. I advised him, ‘At my age, I don’t even purchase inexperienced bananas.’”
– Claude Pepper
“Chortle and the world laughs with you, snore and also you sleep alone.”
– Anthony Burgess
“The key of staying younger is to dwell actually, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”
– Lucille Ball
“The key supply of humor itself shouldn’t be pleasure, however sorrow. There isn’t any humor in heaven.”
– Mark Twain
“Once I was a boy the Useless Sea was solely sick.”
– George Burns
“I need my kids to have all of the issues I couldn’t afford. Then I wish to transfer in with them.”
– Phyllis Diller
“Outdated age is sort of a aircraft flying via a storm. When you’re aboard, there’s nothing you are able to do.”
– Golda Meir
“The older I get, the higher I was.”
– Lee Trevino
“I’m very happy to be right here. Let’s face it, at my age, I’m very happy to be wherever.”
– George Burns
“You’re solely as outdated as the lady you’re feeling.”
– Groucho Marx
“Once I was youthful I may bear in mind something, whether or not it had occurred or not; however my schools are decaying now and shortly I shall be so I can’t bear in mind any however the issues that by no means occurred.”
– Mark Twain
“Folks say, ‘However Betty, Fb is an effective way to attach with outdated associates.’ Effectively, at my age, if I wish to join with outdated associates I would like a Ouija board.”
– Betty White
“My grandmother began strolling 5 miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know the place the hell she is.”
– Ellen DeGeneres
“I don’t want you to remind me of my age. I’ve a bladder to do this for me.”
– Stephen Fry
“All the time be good to your kids as a result of they’re those who will select your relaxation residence.”
– Phyllis Diller
“You recognize you’re getting outdated when every little thing hurts. And what doesn’t harm doesn’t work.”
– Hy Gardner
“Don’t fear about avoiding temptation. As you get older, it should keep away from you.”
– Joey Adams
“Age is a matter of thoughts over matter. For those who don’t thoughts, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Hilarious Quotes About Household, Love and Marriage
“By all means, marry. For those who get a superb spouse, you’ll be completely satisfied. For those who get a nasty one, you’ll be a thinker.”
– Socrates
“I like being married. It’s so nice to seek out that one particular individual you wish to annoy for the remainder of your life.”
– Rita Rudner
“Marriage is a superb establishment, however who needs to dwell in an establishment?”
– Groucho Marx
“House responsibilities can’t kill you, however why take an opportunity?”
– Phyllis Diller
“Love is like an hourglass, with the guts filling up because the mind empties.”
– Jules Renard
“Earlier than you marry an individual, you must first make them use a pc with sluggish Web to see who they are surely.”
– Will Ferrell
“When your mom asks, ‘Would you like a chunk of recommendation?’ it’s a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you happen to reply sure or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
– Erma Bombeck
“My spouse and I have been completely satisfied for twenty years. Then we met.”
– Rodney Dangerfield
“If you need your kids to pay attention, attempt speaking softly to another person.”
– Ann Landers
“My spouse has a slight obstacle in her speech. From time to time she stops to breathe.”
– Jimmy Durante
“Marriage is like an unfunny, tense model of Everyone Loves Raymond, however it doesn’t final 22 minutes. It lasts eternally.”
– Pete (from the film Knocked Up)
“I’d prefer to have a child, however I’m undecided I’m able to spend 10 years of my life always asking somebody the place his sneakers are.”
– Damien Fahey
“By no means go to mattress mad. Keep up and combat.”
– Phyllis Diller
“If it weren’t for the truth that the TV set and the fridge are to date aside, a few of us wouldn’t get any train in any respect.”
– Joey Adams
“When your kids are youngsters, it’s essential to have a canine so that somebody in the home is completely satisfied to see you.”
– Nora Ephron
“My mom all the time used to say: The older you get, the higher you get, except you’re a banana.”
– Rose (from the TV-show The Golden Women)
“As a baby my household’s menu consisted of two decisions: take it or depart it.”
– Buddy Hackett
“Cleansing your home whereas your youngsters are nonetheless rising is like shoveling the stroll earlier than it stops snowing.”
– Phyllis Diller
“Elevating youngsters is a component pleasure and half guerilla warfare.”
– Ed Asner
“I haven’t spoken to my spouse in years. I didn’t wish to interrupt her.”
– Rodney Dangerfield
“When a person opens a automotive door for his spouse, it’s both a brand new automotive or a brand new spouse.”
– Prince Philip
“Love conquers all issues besides poverty and toothache.”
– Mae West
“Youngsters at the moment are tyrants. They contradict their dad and mom, gobble their meals, and tyrannize their academics.”
– Socrates
“My mother mentioned she discovered the best way to swim when somebody took her out within the lake and threw her off the boat. I mentioned, ‘Mother, they weren’t attempting to show you the best way to swim.’”
– Paula Poundstone
“Behind each nice man is a girl rolling her eyes.”
– Jim Carrey
“Once I ultimately met Mr. Proper I had no concept that his first title was All the time.”
– Rita Rudner
“You undergo life questioning what’s all of it about however on the finish of the day it’s all about household.”
– Rod Stewart
“It simply occurred to me that almost all of my weight-reduction plan is made up of the meals that my child didn’t end.”
– Carrie Underwood
“So far as I’m involved, ‘whom’ is a phrase that was invented to make everybody sound like a butler.”
– Calvin Trillin
“Keep in mind that making a profitable marriage is like farming: you need to begin over once more each morning.”
– H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“Love is blind, however marriage is an actual eye-opener.”
– Pauline Thomason
Hilarious Quotes About Friendship and Your Greatest Buddy
“An excellent pal will assist you transfer. However a greatest pal will assist you transfer a lifeless physique.”
– Jim Hayes
“You’ll be able to all the time inform when a person’s properly knowledgeable. His views are just about like your individual.”
– H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“I always remember a face – however in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
– Groucho Marx
“Friendship is born at that second when one individual says to a different, ‘What! You too? I assumed I used to be the one one.’”
– C.S. Lewis
“It is among the blessings of outdated associates that you would be able to afford to be silly with them.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
“A real pal is somebody who thinks that you’re a good egg despite the fact that he is aware of that you’re barely cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
“Good associates, good books, and a sleepy conscience: that is the best life.”
– Mark Twain
“There’s nothing higher than a pal, except it’s a pal with chocolate.”
– Linda Grayson
“Mates are individuals who know you very well and such as you anyway.”
– Greg Tamblyn
“Friendship is like cash, simpler made than stored.”
– Samuel Butler
“True friendship comes when the silence between two folks is comfy.”
– David Tyson
“Mates are God’s method of apologizing for your loved ones.”
– Wayne Dyer
“Most individuals would sooner die than suppose; in actual fact, they achieve this.”
– Bertrand Russell
“A real pal overlooks your failures and tolerates your success!”
– Doug Larson
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
– Josh Billings
“Most of us don’t want a psychiatric therapist as a lot as a pal to be foolish with.”
– Robert Brault
“I like lengthy walks, particularly when they’re taken by individuals who annoy me.”
– Noel Coward
“A day with no pal is sort of a pot with no single drop of honey left inside.”
– Winnie the Pooh
“Mates are individuals who know you very well and such as you anyway.”
– Greg Tamblyn
“The statistics on sanity are that one out of each 4 Individuals is affected by some type of psychological sickness. Consider your three greatest associates. In the event that they’re OK, then it’s you.”
– Rita Mae Brown
Hilarious and Relatable Quotes That Will Make You Chortle
“Each time you’re feeling your self being pulled into different folks’s drama, repeat these phrase: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
– Polish Proverb
“My skill to show excellent news into nervousness is rivaled solely by my skill to show nervousness into chin zits.”
– Tina Fey
“The worst a part of on-line purchasing is having to rise up and get your bank card out of your purse.”
– Unknown
“My therapist advised me the best way to realize true inside peace is to complete what I begin. Thus far I’ve completed two luggage of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I really feel higher already.”
– Dave Barry
“For those who suppose no one cares about you, attempt lacking a few funds.”
– Steven Wright
“I like airports as a result of the principles of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am whereas in observe pants. No one cares.”
– Unknown
“Consider how silly the typical individual is, and notice half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
“Insomnia sharpens your math abilities since you spend all night time calculating how a lot sleep you’ll get if you happen to’re capable of ‘go to sleep proper now.’”
– Unknown
“Higher to stay silent and be thought a idiot than to talk out and take away all doubt.”
– Abraham Lincoln
“Frequent sense is like deodorant. The individuals who want it most by no means use it.”
– Unknown
“A day with out sunshine is like, you already know, night time.”
– Steve Martin
“I stroll round like every little thing is ok, however deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
– Unknown
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to make certain, however it makes issues develop quicker sooner or later.”
– Denis Waitley
“Hassle knocked on the door, however, listening to laughter, hurried away.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“I used to promote furnishings for a dwelling. The difficulty was, it was my very own.”
– Les Dawson
“Don’t sweat the petty issues and don’t pet the sweaty issues.”
– George Carlin
“Data is realizing a tomato is a fruit; knowledge shouldn’t be placing it in a fruit salad.”
– Miles Kington
“I used to be attempting to daydream, however my thoughts stored wandering.”
– Steven Wright
“The easiest way to show your youngsters about taxes is by consuming 30 p.c of their ice cream.”
– Invoice Murray
“I’ve all the time wished to be anyone, however I see now I ought to have been extra particular.”
– Lily Tomlin
“I’m not loopy – I’ve been in a really unhealthy temper for 40 years.”
– Ouiser Boudreaux (from the film Metal Magnolias)
“Son, if you happen to really need one thing on this life, you need to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
– Homer Simpson
“Lots of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.”
– Steven Wright
“I’m an outdated man and have identified a terrific many troubles, however most of them by no means occurred.”
– Mark Twain
Quick Hilarious Quotes for Snappy Humor
“Rice is nice while you’re hungry and also you need 2000 of one thing.”
– Mitch Hedberg
“Once I was a child my dad and mom moved loads, however I all the time discovered them.”
– Rodney Dangerfield
“Opera is when a man will get stabbed within the again and, as a substitute of bleeding, he sings.”
– Robert Benchley
“If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all proof that you simply tried.”
– Steven Wright
“Man invented language to fulfill his deep must complain.”
– Lily Tomlin
“I refuse to affix any membership that may have me as a member.”
– Groucho Marx
“I can communicate Esperanto like a local.”
– Spike Milligan
“My opinions might have modified, however not the truth that I’m proper.”
– Ashleigh Good
“The primary time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll think about it.”
– Joan Rivers
“How many individuals right here have telekinetic powers? Increase my hand.”
– Emo Philips
“A transparent conscience is normally the signal of a nasty reminiscence.”
– Steven Wright
“If I’m not again in 5 minutes, simply wait longer.”
– Ace Ventura (from the film Ace Ventura)
“I remixed a remix, it was again to regular.”
– Mitch Hedberg
“There can’t be a disaster subsequent week. My schedule is already full.”
– Henry Kissinger
“I could also be drunk, Miss, however within the morning, I can be sober and you’ll nonetheless be ugly.”
– Winston Churchill
“Thanks, 2:30 within the morning, for all the time being the primary signal that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
– Jimmy Fallon
“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any greater than going to a storage makes you an car.”
– Billy Sunday
“How is it doable to have a civil struggle?”
– George Carlin
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I discovered to bop: ready for the lavatory.”
– Bob Hope
“The digital digicam is a superb invention as a result of it permits us to reminisce. Immediately.”
– Demetri Martin
“Don’t be so humble – you’re not that nice.”
– Golda Meir
“I’m writing a ebook. I’ve obtained the web page numbers finished.”
– Steven Wright
“Garments make the person. Bare folks have little or no affect in society.”
– Mark Twain
“Why is there an expiration date on bitter cream?”
– George Carlin
“I used to be going to purchase a replica of The Energy of Constructive Pondering, after which I assumed: What good would that do?”
– Ronnie Shakes
“I’ve obtained all the cash I’ll ever want, if I die by 4 o’clock.”
– Henny Youngman
“Why do they name it rush hour when nothing strikes?”
– Robin Williams
“I’m not for everybody. I’m barely for me.”
– Marc Maron
“If I had 9 of my fingers lacking I wouldn’t sort any slower.”
– Mitch Hedberg
“When doubtful, look clever.”
– Garrison Keillor
Need extra laughs, constructive vibes and fewer stress in your day and week? Then try these humorous good morning quotes, the hilarious work quotes on this publish, the humorous teamwork quotes right here and in addition these humorous Monday quotes and this one with humorous Friday quotes.