“Simply put: you believe that things or people make you unhappy, but this is not true. You make yourself unhappy.”
Wayne Dyer
“It takes very little to live a happy life; it is all within you, in your way of thinking.”
Marcus Aurelius
It’s usually quite easy to become a happier person.
It’s also quite easy to rob yourself of your own happiness.
To make yourself even more miserable and add a big bowl of suffering to your day. It’s common, people do it every day all over the world.
So this week I want to combine these two things. I want to share 7 happiness-stealing habits that I’ve had quite a bit of trouble with in my daily life (and I know from the emails I get that many of you do too).
But I’d also like to add what you can do instead if you find yourself stuck in one of these destructive habits.
1. Going for a daily swim in a sea of negative voices.
This one can be quite subtle.
You just go about your daily life as usual. Hang out with the same people. Listen to the same podcasts or radio shows, watch the same old TV shows or YouTube videos, and read the usual blogs, books, and magazines.
But how do these things impact your thinking and the boundaries you set for yourself and what you feel you deserve in life?
What you can do instead:
Make a list of the five people you spend the most time with and the five media sources you spend the most time on during your week.
Then for each of these 10 things/people, ask yourself: Is this dragging me down or lifting me up in life?
Consider spending less time with those who bring you down (or go all out and cut them out completely) and spend more time with the people and resources that lift you up and leave you feeling good, motivated giving, etc.
If you have trouble getting started with this, go smaller.
Take a few minutes to think about which person or source has the greatest negative impact on you. And how you can spend less time with him/her this week.
2. Waiting for just the right moment.
When you have a dream, it’s so easy to get lost in planning how to make it happen. To drift off into daydreams about what it will be like. But also to get stuck in the fear that it will not work.
So you make a joint choice and wait – and wait and wait, perhaps for years – for the right time to take action and start making that dream come true.
What you can do instead:
Certainly, not every dream is something you can start working on right now.
But there are many you can get started with. Dreams that only fear prevents you from.
So make it easy on yourself. You don’t have to do it in one big and extremely brave leap.
If that were the case, only the bravest people in the world would do and achieve what they want.
Instead, take a small step forward. Take one small action.
That’s it.
Then tomorrow you can take another small step forward.
The important thing is that you get started and get started, instead of spending so much time just waiting and feeling increasingly frustrated and unhappy about the state of your dreams.
3. Letting criticism get under your skin again and again.
When someone criticizes or verbally attacks you, it can roll off you like water off a duck’s back.
But on the other hand, if it gets under your skin almost every time and drags you into hours or days of self-doubt or self-abuse, then you have a problem.
What you can do instead:
Let it out.
Talk about it with someone close to you to release the inner tensions. And to find a healthier perspective on what happened together.
Remember: it’s not always about you.
When your self-esteem is low, it can be easy to start thinking that all the negative things people tell you are somehow your fault.
However, that is often not the case.
People will attack or criticize harshly to release their own power. Because they have had a terrible day, week or simply don’t like life that much.
So don’t think it’s all about you. There are two of you in this situation.
4. Focusing on the wrong people and getting lost in jealousy and powerlessness.
If you spend a lot of time every day thinking about what other people have and are doing and comparing your life to theirs, then you have a good recipe for unhappiness.
Because you’re spending your attention and energy in the wrong place.
What you can do instead:
Focus on you. Compare yourself to yourself.
Look how far you’ve come. The obstacles you have overcome. How you have improved in small or sometimes bigger ways. Appreciate that and yourself.
Don’t focus on what others have, but on what YOU want deep down in your life.
And ask yourself: What is one small step I can take today to get the ball rolling on this goal/dream?
Keep the focus on yourself and on what you can actually do to increase your self-confidence, walk your own path and spend your limited daily time and energy on something that is actually worthwhile.
5. Don’t allow yourself moments of peace and tranquility during the day.
If you’re busy, busy, busy all the time and don’t give yourself time to recharge, you’ll quickly get tired.
And so every step and thing you do starts to feel heavier and you no longer enjoy pushing and pulling yourself through it at all.
What you can do instead:
Take a break every hour.
Try setting the timer on your cell phone for 45 minutes. During that period, simply focus on doing your most important task at the time.
Then, as the bell rings, set the timer for 15 minutes and step away from your workspace.
Eat a snack, talk, take a walk, or stretch a little.
By resting and working with full focus in this way, you get more things done, you do better work and it becomes easier to keep optimism and motivation high.
Be 10 minutes early.
Transform those commute times throughout the day into relaxing breaks instead of time and space passages that only increase your stress levels and other negative feelings.
6. Never try anything new.
This one can be sneaky.
It can make you think that everything is quite okay. You have your safe and comfortable routine.
I know, I’ve been there for a long time.
But at that time there was also denial of a dissatisfied feeling. A vague sense of stagnation that sometimes grew into a major outburst of undefined, negative feelings directed at the world or myself.
What you can do instead:
Remind yourself of the previous times you tried something new.
And how you usually never regretted it for a moment, but rather had an exciting, interesting or fun time.
Go small.
You don’t have to try skydiving. Just take a small step and try some new and different music, a movie or book that you wouldn’t normally go for, or the vegetarian dish if you normally eat beef or sausage for lunch.
Just once this week, say yes when your mind says no.
If a friend invites you to go for a run, do yoga, go fishing, or go to a party and you’re thinking, “Let’s just say no, that’s not what I normally do,” stop for a moment.
And reconsider.
You don’t have to say yes to every suggestion you get this week to try something new, but give it a try and say yes to just one of those things.
7. Taking things too seriously.
If you take life too seriously, you can easily become so afraid of making a mistake and stumbling a little that you get stuck.
In my experience, if you take yourself too seriously, it becomes difficult to fully enjoy the moment and what is happening, to let go of the past and to laugh at yourself and life when you need it most.
What instead:
Set a reminder.
When I wanted to develop a lighter mindset a few years ago, one thing that helped me was a simple note on the refrigerator that said: Lighten up!
This reminder helped me step out of overly serious thoughts several times a day, until this way of finding a lighter perspective became more and more of an automatic thinking habit.
Surround yourself with a lighter mindset.
As mentioned in the section on habit #1, what and who you surround yourself with will have a big effect on how you think. It doesn’t matter if it’s a positive or negative aspect they add.
So a powerful thing to do is add a lighter mindset to your daily life through people, books, the internet, etc.
Increase your self-esteem.
I have noticed that as my self-esteem has increased, I can laugh at myself more because I am less defensive. I have more confidence in myself and am therefore less afraid of temporary failure.
And I love myself more and so I worry less about others always liking me.