You’re pushing people away, and you’re not sure why. Perhaps past experiences have taught you that vulnerability leads to pain, so stay on guard. Pushing people away has become your defense mechanism.
When they leave, it hurts less because you expected it. You protect yourself by building walls, but why do you still feel like you’re missing something? Let’s look at the reasons behind this behavior and how we can change it.
1. Desire for independence
When you grow up, you can push people away because they want to stand on their own two feet. You want to be independent. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
The downside of this struggle is that you rebel to do the opposite of what your parents or other authority figures tell you to do. That is not independence.
As you grow, you learn to do what is in your best interest, whether that means following someone else’s directive or thanking him or her for his or her ideas, and then doing what you know is right for you. must do.
2. Insecurity
When you expect that others will eventually reject or abandon youyou might say or do things to sabotage the relationship and speed things up.
If they do leave you, the sooner the better. Once they’re out of your life, because of your behavior, you can say, “I knew they wouldn’t stick around.” No one ever does that.”
But by choosing to push people away, you treat all people the same – including those who really want to support you, no matter what.
3. Fear of intimacy
And if you fear intimacy, you will create barriers to building an emotional connection with someone. You don’t want them to see what’s underneath the armor you’re wearing.
Because if they touch your raw and defenseless inner self, their eventual betrayal will hurt more than if they rejected the person they thought you were. Because when they reject you, you know they’re not just rejecting an idea they came up with or that you showed them.
They reject the real you. And deep down you don’t expect anyone to love that person. You don’t expect to be enough for them.
4. Trauma from past rejection
Pushing people away in relationships can be a way to deal with past rejection.
You can probably think of moments from your past that seem to justify pushing someone away now.
Maybe someone pushed you away when you wanted him or her to comfort or reassure you. You couldn’t hold back your tears and they sent you away, accusing you of manipulating them.
Or maybe you were counting on someone to support you, but they left you alone.
5. Low self-esteem
Maybe you have low self-esteem and feel so bad about yourself that you question anyone who wants to get close to you.
Why would this person want to hang out with someone like you? There must be something wrong with them if they don’t realize how unworthy you are of love and friendship.
You almost feel better when you develop relationships with people who use you or are unkind to you because that seems like what you deserve. You keep kind people at a distance because they don’t reflect how you feel about yourself.
6. Mental health problems
If you are depressed, anxious, or have other mental health problems, you may not have the energy or emotional bandwidth to be a good friend or partner. The result is that you simply sit on your stomach in the relationship.
You make no effort, and the other person’s efforts are met with a lukewarm response at best. Or no response at all.
When your mental health is suffering, nothing – including your friends – seems to matter much. Eventually, even the most loyal friends get the message that you don’t want them around right now.
Some of these reasons will stick with you for decades. Some stick in your memory and influence your behavior towards others until someone challenges you to dig deeper, forgive and grow.
7. Hyper-competitiveness
Competition is a natural part of life. After all, we are programmed to survive.
But there is a healthy line, and crossing the Rubicon into hyper-competitive territory often leads to broken relationships, excessive stress, and serious mental health hurdles.
Additionally, with their racing gear on full throttle, people tend to push people away for a variety of reasons. Sometimes they cannot handle the perceived pressure of being with someone who equals or exceeds their skills and talents. Other times their ego rises and they passively aggressively remove people who are seen as inferior or deficient in some way.
8. Jealousy
Eliminating jealousy is impossible. People who go around bragging about their complete lack of envy or desire are most likely overcompensating for an unnoticed problem. And no, not every criticism is a product of the green-eyed monster.
But jealousy is another emotion that goes haywire if left unchecked. When envy takes the reins of someone’s personality, it can drive away people who seemingly have what they crave.